A Filtered Life

Recently I posted a picture and there was a person who commented saying that I “never take a bad picture.” To which I replied, “False, I never POST a bad picture.”

I realized, after that statement, that it’s not only the pictures I filter. My online life is generally drama free. I post funny, light, and bright. And, truth be told, I like it that way. When my life has been all dark and twisty, when my tears have left my eyes puffy, it’s nice to find a funny meme that might make a person laugh.

Perhaps it’s because I’m not currently IN that dark place that makes it easier to talk about the dark place…. Whatever the reason, I’m going to share some of my dark and twisty…

Deep breath (me, not you).

I’ve suffered from depression since the single digits. I can clearly remember being in grade school and sitting out in the school field, staring at nothing, nowhere, just letting my eyes un-focus to blur out the world. I don’t remember feeling much of anything. Just sitting. Not skipping, not playing four square, not jumping rope, not playing tag, just isolating. Isolating has been something I’ve been pretty great at. I’ve been a truly expert ninja isolator. The past several years my social life has been practically non-existent. Part of that was because I tend to have a bit of social anxiety. The mere thought of having to hold a conversation for more than a few minutes… holy fuck, hours upon hours of obsessively freaking out about it. And when I did show up, I ALWAYS had an escape plan and car.

Don’t get me wrong. I could go to my job and socialize, but we were working. Socializing came in small chunks. It also helped that I worked the same job for 15 years and those closest to me were my job family and I felt comfortable. Still, most had no idea of the depression that I dealt with in the background of my life.

I’ve had therapist throw around diagnosis. I’ve been told I have Dysthymia, PTSD, PMDD, Major Depression, Adult Child of Alcoholic, ADHD…. So many differing opinions and labels. I’ve been on and off antidepressants since the age of 20. Nortriptyline? Check. Prozac? Check. Paxil? Check. Wellbutrin? Check. Zoloft? Check. I’ve also been prescribed Adderall and Strattera.

I followed the same pattern… I’d feel suicidal and like a good girl I’d run to the doctor and get on some antidepressants. I’d take them, start feeling better. Eventually tire of taking them due to the side effect that came with them and I’d go off. I’d be fine for awhile… until, life would get too much and that exit sign would return. At that point I’d run back to the doctor. Then, I’d go off. Then, I’d run back to the doctor. Then… I’d go off. Over and over again.

Why not just stay on them? Did I mention the side effects? Oh the joy, the joy of the side effects. Weight gain, when I’m already prone to be on the curvy side, was one that I never seemed to escape. Except for while on Wellburtrin. Wellbutrin took my appetite away, but strangely enough, when I was on Wellbutrin I developed a breast lump. A massive breast lump. It was so big, when I went to the doctor and he was feeling around, feeling around, not seeming to feel anything… I finally I took his hand and said, “it’s right here!” To which he responded, “OH! That’s bigger than I was looking for!” I had a mammogram, a biopsy, and a inconclusive cause. However, when I stopped taking Wellbutrin, the lump went away. A few years later, when I started taking it again, the lump returned. I stopped, it went away. I’m no doctor, but I think there’s a connection. I’m a weirdo when it comes to having the obscure side effects. I once took a medication prescribed for stomach issues and I started producing breast milk. Yes, I’m a freak.

Other fun side effects were feeling like I was walking on a cloud, no libido, no orgasm, no fun.

ANYway, back to the topic of depression. I’ve had it and I can tell you depression is hell. For me, depression was like operating in a dark room. It was not always easy, but you can get stuff done. Sometimes it takes a lot more energy, because the darkness makes things hard to see. All that extra effort in trying to get the everyday, simple things done… well, it’s tiring. For years, in addition to my depression, in that dark room was the exit sign illuminated in the corner. Always there, another one of my constant companions. Some days that sign looked very inviting and I’d look at it longingly, even occasionally coming up with a plan on how I’d make it through. Other times, it was just there, in my peripheral vision.

And, because depression and anxiety are best buds, anxiety was also a part of my life. Though, I didn’t realize it was anxiety because it showed up as anger, irritability, and sometimes rage. There have been days where I’ve been overstimulated by everything and would have to wear earplugs to just get by.

I could go on and on and have plenty of examples, stories, and stuff…. I mean, it’s been decades that I’ve been dealing with it. And perhaps I’ll divulge more details in another blog, or maybe I won’t. My point is, I know dark and twisty. I’ve lived dark and twisty. And I still have bouts of dark and twisty. But I don’t give up.

Two years ago, after meeting some amazing Life Coaches, I found out that they took cannabis. These amazing woman, who were… well, amazing. They took cannabis. It made an impression.

I come from a very conservative background. I’m an ex-Jehovah’s Witness. I was a hardcore JW. A true believer and the kind you’d hate if I came knockin on your door. (Again, I might write more about this later.) And with that background, I’ve got some unconscious programed baggage. I used to put all not-prescribed-by-a-doctor drugs into the generic category of “drugs”. And drugs are bad, mkay?

Cannabis… well, that’s a drug! Again, I didn’t know a thing about it AND, come to find out…  I was ignorant to how truly intricate a topic cannabis is. I had no idea that you could take it and not get “high”. I didn’t know what the difference between Indica or Sativa was. I knew nothing (even worse than Jon Snow!)

After meeting the life coaches, I went straight to a cannabis shop (one that they recommended). After showing my drivers licence to the guard, with determination I marched up to the counter and without even messing with pleasantries announced to the person behind the counter that “I’m a mom. I’m not looking to get stoned. I have to watch kids. But I need something to take the edge off. And also, something to tame irritability and anger…” He was quiet for a moment. I think he was thinking. And he then replied, “We can’t give medical advice, but I can tell you what my wife likes…”

And that was the start of my using plant medicine and other alternatives to prescription drugs. White Widow is my jam. I also down Lavender Pills like nobody’s business. Holy Basil tea, 5HTP, meditation, and many-many-many-many other natural alternatives…. They’re all part of my life. It’s work. It’s ongoing. But I’m workin’ it and making it.

** Exhale**

So yeah, I post decent pictures of myself. I share the funny memes. I choose to share the happy bits, the fun bits, and the silly bits. But know this, I’m also dark and twisty. Life is messy. Nobodies grass is truly greener. There is a lot of shit that goes into it. A lot of behind the scenes shit.

VERY IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE:

Just because I am choosing to try and go medication free… I believe in medication. It’s kept me alive. I’m here today because I took medication. Mental illness is real. It’s fuckingly horribly real. And it can be very different for everyone. While my room was dimly lit, there are those out there who are in complete darkness. If you need medication take it. If I were to sum up my belief: be proactive in your treatment. Whatever that treatment looks like.  For me, I am putting in a lot of work. Natural remedies, therapy, support groups, friendships, and being open to flexibility.

And now, before I change my mind…. I’m posting this baby.