Memories For Sale…

I got a text message asking if I knew my ex was selling a bunch of stuff. I replied yes, I knew. And yeah, I did know. I knew, but did it register?  That is a better question.

I am the one that pulled the plug on the relationship. Instead of hanging my head and avoiding the topic, I’m going to own it. Yes, I walked away . However, even though it was  me making the choice, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t parts that don’t hurt like hell.

After getting the text, I found myself on the site to check out all the items being sold. The second I saw them, I knew that it was the wrong place for me to be. All those items… they were symbolic of me. My struggle of being a mom. My struggle of trying the best that I could. My trying. Trying. Trying.

My kids are my biggest blessing. Nothing even comes close to how proud I am to have given birth to my three beautiful babies. They have also been my biggest struggle. Being a mom who has suffered with depression and anxiety has been a hard challenge. There have been many, many times that I’ve felt so deficient as a mom. But struggle and push on I have. Even when I don’t feel good enough, I’m a mom… so, I push on.  And as a mom, I will always be trying, trying, trying…. Pushing, pushing, pushing, to do better. To be better. I deserve that. They deserve that. 

Looking at the pictures of the items on sale….it all floods back to me. There are years’ worth of memories, all for sale.  And there I am. All the picture…It’s me, as a mom, doing my best. 

Summer Infant 3-in1 Owl training Potty.

I sucked at potty training my kids. I didn’t work, so I figured that they’d figure it out at some point. That’s pretty much how I weaned each of my kids off of breastfeeding too. I just waited. And waited. And then, when the time was right, it just happened. And when the timing was right, it would happen fast. I could never really write a book on potty training or offer any advice…. Because for me, I just waited the situation out. Oh sure, I stressed over it the whole time. “Am I a horrible mom?!  My gawd, he’s almost 4….” But it all worked out.

The Owl training potty was a huge hit. They loved pressing the button and reading the book. I resisted a training toilet because…. Ewww. I bleached it out each and every time. The thing really grossed me out.

B Toys Zany Zoo

I loved this more than the kids did. I mean…. It was just so colorful and adorable. I eyed it for such a long time before buying it. It was something like $80 brand new. It felt like a very huge splurge. The kids never really liked it. It collected dust more often than they ever played with it. But I loved it. It just felt vibrant.

Little Tike Toy Storage Bin

I picked this out because it was plastic, huge, and had rounded edges. I felt that the kids could go running towards it, hurl through the air, hit the side…. And live to tell the tale. Also, I felt like their little fingers couldn’t get smushed. They used this thing a lot, until it was put into the garage.

Fisher Price Little People Racin Ramps

This was a secondhand store find. I don’t know how much I paid for it…. But I can tell you that I paid a lot less than what it is being sold for now. PLUS, I do believe I got cars with it too. SCORE!!!

Baby Playpen

I picked out this particular play pin because I would be able to add on to it as needed. Also, it had a fun little piano and buttons to push. AND, it was vibrant in color, which I loved. Dublin played inside of this lovely playpen for hours. It kept him separated from the dogs. He did learn that it was quite lightweight, and he would scoot it out a bit. He would practice standing in this play pen. I would sit with him in this play pen. AND, when Juni was born, it was put into use again. More playing, more practice standing, and more sitting in there with her. 

Graco Disney Peek A Pooh Swing.

Gotta say, this one is being listed above what I even paid for it. I was not particularly a fan of Winnie the Pooh. But I wasn’t against him either. The reason I ended up with this swing was that I was desperate for a swing. I was desperate for sleep. And I was living in a much smaller area, with a very limited supply of swings. That particular day I WANTED A SWING NOW!!! And that is the swing I could afford. It wasn’t a swing savior…. But it did its job, and I was able to get some housework done. Thank you swing.

Baby Trend Navigator Double Jogging Stroller

I wanted a BoB… but, sadly, couldn’t afford a BoB, so I got this beauty instead. I actually assembled it. I stressed the whole time that I’d screw it up, but no… it turned out just fine. I put MILES and MILES and MILES and MILES on this thing. OMG…. it was such a blessing, this wonderful stroller. This stroller saw Ukiah, Santa Rosa, Redmond, Seattle, Sacramento, Lake Forest Park…. And loops, and loops, and loops around Green Lake. This stroller had food, play dough, bubbles, tablets, ice cream, books, and laughter.

Baby Trend Sit N Stand

I got this stroller fo $40. It’s now being sold for $70. I guess I got a steal!!! I bought this because I was convinced that Dub needed an option for standing and sitting. It was a bit of an impulse Craigslist find… but one that I used the hell out of. It’s another stroller I put miles and miles and miles on.

The Umbrella Stroller

I had a bit of a stroller addiction. But, coming from someone who is addicted to walking, I suppose my stroller addiction isn’t much of a surprise. This one I felt I needed for traveling and quick errands. Another one that was used and used and used. It served me well.

Two Trampolines

Living in Seattle, I felt that trampolines would help the kids to get their wiggles out on rainy days. I’d put on the tv and let them jump and watch. Jump and watch. Jump and watch.

The triangle shape one was a beeeotch to get in and out of the garage. I had to turn it just right to be able to fit it in the door. But I also tended to bump its corners into everything possible between carrying it from the living room into the garage. THAT was another fabulous Craigslist find that I paid a lot less than $60 for.

Little Tikes Cars.

Assembling a Little Tikes Car resulted in a few curse words. But boy, did the kids love those things.  I look at them, the two cars, and can easily picture Dub and Juni behind the wheels.

Kangaroo Climber

This was a Craiglist find that I hunted and hunted for. I paid a lot less than $70. Between this and a slide I purchased from Target; I had initially set it up in the kitchen. Again, Seattle… Rain. Enough said. Eventually it found its way outside, after being planted in the kitchen for probably over a year or two.

Little Tikes Picnic Table Set

I wanted the kids to be able to eat outside. I bought several umbrellas for this table. They always seemed to get sun worn and destroyed by the end of summer.

DaVinic Crib

This is an ironic buy. I wanted a crib that could convert into a toddler bed. The irony is that Dub co-slept his way through his baby years and toddler years. This crib was barely ever used. Two babies… and Juni sort of used it the most, but it was scooted up next to where I was sleeping and she just ended up next to me, more often than not.

AND here I am 1300 word in…. And I could keep going and going.

Each and every one of these items I feel. Not in a materialistic way… but in a symbolic way.  It’s not a stroller…. It’s miles and miles of walks. It’s not a baby gate, it’s me keeping my babies out of harm’s way. It’s not a baby monitor… it’s me keeping contact with my babies, even when I’m not in the room. No, these are not just items for sale. These are memories. These are symbolic of my trying to be the best mom I knew how to be