Coffee & Tarot #6: My Card of the Year – “Failure”

At the beginning of each year, I draw a tarot card with the intention of thinking and meditating on the card for the whole year. My attention span usually doesn’t last that long. However, I will certainly give the card a good week or two of my brain space. This year I sat down at my altar and then took a moment to sink into the quiet. Next, I pulled a card from my favorite deck, The Thoth deck. I put the card in front of me face down, took a moment, then slowly turned it over and…. drum roll….. this year my card is the 7 of Disks – “Failure”. I’m sure that would have been more climatic had I not disclosed that info in the title of this blog. Ha! ANYway, if this were a Lifetime movie, after revealing the card in a close-up angle, the camera would have panned into my face where you’d see me gasp in fear and disappointment. Maybe there would be a single tear sliding down my cheek. Thankfully, the cards don’t work like that and Failure doesn’t foretell 2023 being a year of catastrophic failure for me. I mean it could, but even if it did, I’m no rookie at riding out catastrophic years. **cough** 2018-2022**cough** 

Something I didn’t realize about tarot when I first started is that the more you work with a deck, the more the cards take on their own personal meanings. Sure, each card can be studied as to what meaning was originally assigned to them way back when and there is a lot of benefit to knowing all that wonderful information. Years ago my mentor was going to be leaving the country for several weeks. Before he left, he instructed me to get a Thoth deck and a copy of “The Tarot Handbook ”, by Angeles Arrien. While he was away on sabbatical, I was to start with the Fool card and work my way through the deck with the help of the book. He asked that I take time with each card and really study them, then we would discuss what I learned when he got back. This is how I was introduced to the Thoth deck, which is my favorite deck out of all of my decks. And this was when I learned how much symbolism and meaning is packed into each of the cards. It’s great to do a reading with a tarot deck and use the symbolism from a card to guide you to a theme to think on. And other times, you get a lot of information from just going with your gut. Even when you know all of what the card means, there is always the added something-something that ends up assigned to the card because of the feelings the card creates in you. The cards are yours and with their assigned meaning, it’s also very much about how they make you feel. This is why if several readers were to discuss the same card, you’re going to hear slightly different takes on the card’s meaning. All of this is great news to someone like me, who remembers more of the vague idea conveyed in each card, rather than each and every fact attached to the symbolism. 

Back to “Failure”, how could a person find it useful to have this doom-doom-doom sounding card as their card of the year? I could pull out the Tarot Handbook and read you all my highlighted parts regarding the Thoth Failure card, but instead I’m going to share with you what dialogue this card created in my brain. The moment I saw the Failure card it automatically translated to “Fear of Failure”. So that was my first thought: what does the fear of failure hold me back from? What would I have done in my past, had I not had any fear of failure? And where in my life is fear of failure showing up incognito? Yes, this still sort of sounds like a bleak subject to tackle. Maybe not as bright as “The Sun” or as exciting as “The Lovers” cards. However, I think it is a strength to recognize our weaknesses. Once we recognize our weaknesses, we can bring them out to play. We can toss the ball around and size them up and learn where they come from. If fear of failure holds a person back, then I think that we can agree it could be labeled a weakness. It’s only by acknowledging its existence that a person can figure out where it comes from and how to overcome it. For example, some people have it ingrained in them to always see “what could go wrong”, which is the same thing as having a fear of failure. They don’t even realize they’re doing it.  I read that this is a common unconscious mechanism for those with CPTSD. Life for them is like a game of chess and they are constantly (possibly unconsciously) looking ahead for what could go wrong and as a result, avoiding situations because of it. For a person like that, it might be necessary for them to find a way (probably with the help of a good therapist) to feel safe in this world. For other people, it could have been having something really important to them fall apart in their life, so now they’re afraid of something going wrong again. For them, it might just require baby steps to put themselves back out there and regain their confidence. Fear of failure can show up in so many ways ——> Fear of failure at a job, failure with a relationship, failure at executing an idea, going after a dream, speaking a truth…. So many things to fail at. Yet, when you can find out the why behind the fear, it’s possible that a person can start changing the script, and instead of being afraid of what can go wrong, maybe they can get excited about what can go right. 

This makes me think of the “Year of Yes”, a book by Shonda Rhimes. Have you heard of it? You know who Shonda Rhimes is, right? Creator of Grey’s Anatomy, Bridgerton, How To Get Away With Murder, Private Practice….Ring any bells?? I know you have heard of at least one of these shows. In her book, Year of Yes, she describes how fear held her back. It wasn’t until her sister pointed it out in a way that got through to her did she realize how much it was holding her back. And that’s what started her year of yes, where she said yes to things she would have normally said no to. By the end of the year she had a better understanding of her fear and why it held her back from saying yes, as well as a better understanding of her actual no’s. I point this out, because even Shonda Rhimes had her own version of fear of failure. (And no, that wasn’t reeeeealy a spoiler for the book. The book is as much about the stories of her saying yes, as it is about the outcome of her saying yes. Oh gawd, was my explanation of it not being a spoiler a real spoiler? Ok, fine: SPOILER ALERT!)

The card has already given me a lot to examine in how fear of failure plays out in my life. I have got a ton of material to work with, from writing to online dating, there is plenty for me to look at to see where this card is showing up. While I can’t say I was gleeful at seeing this card turn over for me, I can say that I absolutely see its value and I hope that after reading my thoughts on this card, you can see its value too. 

Tarot cards: therapy in a box. Sort of. 

(Disclaimer: These blogs are only my opinion. Tarot isn’t a replacement for therapy. Sometimes there is tea in my coffee cup.)