“I don’t know what it is like to not have deep emotions. Even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely”
― Sylvia Plath
It’s that time of year in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where the sunshine is limited and gray skies are abundant. For those of us who are solar powered, the lack of sunshine is felt on a soul level. I can feel my solar charge draining out of me. I’ve once again misplaced my faux-sun light, so I don’t even have that as a backup. I know it’s around here somewhere…. I’ll probably find it just in time for summer.
The past couple of days I’ve felt my mood plummeting. I can feel myself dancing around the Void. One trip and I could fall in deep and since I have two left feet, it’s a real concern. Recently, as I sat in front of my altar, ugly crying like a goth teen on her period, it got me thinking about this dance with darkness that happens for me (and others) around this time of year. I’m 53, so I’ve been doing this dance for a while. Which means, I’ve got some opinions on this topic. Since sharing is caring, I felt compelled to write this post. If you are a frequent dancer with darkness…. This blog post is for you.
Though I knew I wanted to write about the topic of depression, I didn’t have a good picture of what this was going to look like. Because of this unclear picture, I decided to meditate and pull some tarot cards for inspiration. Which I did. I used my Crow Tarot (MJ Cullinane) deck, Thoth deck, and The Wild Unknown Archetypes (Kim Krans) deck. I didn’t use any particular spread, I just let the cards fall out and let my intuition decide when enough was enough. After I finished drawing cards, I sat with them a bit… Then, I looked up some of the meanings the author attributed to their cards.
I decided to start with the first three cards I drew: The Strength card, 3 of Cups, and 2 of Swords. I was surprised to find that I had a strong reaction to what the author of the Crow Tarot deck wrote about the Strength Card. It’s interesting to me that this card’s definition would bring up some anger. Each zodiac sign is associated with a card in the Major Arcana, since I’m a Leo the Strength card is my card. In the Rider Waite, the card usually has a woman who appears to have tamed a lion. The woman is standing calmly, facing the lion. She’s courageous in keeping calm when facing a beast. She’s not using brute force but acting from a place of calmness and love. In the Crow Tarot, the interpretation chooses to use words that describe connecting with a higher frequency and it’s because of this positive energy that the crow is able to sit on the lion’s nose. “Exercising inner peace and freeing yourself from the influences of ego and fear…”
Why would that stir any anger from within me? Normally it wouldn’t. I’ve read the interpretation from this deck for this card before, but it didn’t cause any reaction. I think this time though, because of the topic I am meditating on (depression), the interpretation came off the same as if someone was sitting there telling me that I could conquer my blue mood with some good ol’ fashioned positive thinking. Well, when I’m channeling my inner goth teen on her period, the best response you’d be getting from a positive thinking comment like that, is my middle finger. And then I’d just turn my Morrissey up louder to drown out your oh so cheerful voice.
Don’t get me wrong. I do believe in positive thinking….. But to a point. Yes, sometimes you can change your focus and point of view. Sometimes that cup can be half full and not half empty. Sometimes you can think about what could go right, instead of dwelling on what could go wrong. But other times, when there is something that is weighing you down heavily, shiny happy words are just dulled by the gray. Sometimes, strength means sitting with those feelings and accepting that they are visitors. Annoying, yet temporary, visitors. Sometimes courage is allowing yourself to feel them and acknowledge their existence.
Next up is the 3 of Cups. This card, no matter what deck, is a card of celebrating with friends. Once again, in the Crow Tarot deck, energy is mentioned. “Together they are experiencing the joy that is achieved by the positive energy each crow brings to the yard.” And once again, for the topic I’m meditating on, I challenge this definition. I’d like you to imagine a different card…. Still three people, but what if…. What if one of the three people is dark and broody, but still included? I’m inspired by a meme I’ve seen, where it says something to the effect that even though Eeyore was depressed, his friends still included him and didn’t leave him behind. It is not uncommon for someone who is experiencing depression to self-isolate. I should know, I do this. Though I can’t speak for everyone, I can speak to my experience. Sometimes it’s because I might not know why I’m feeling down, so I have to either put on my every thing is fine mask or provide an explanation that nobody will understand…
Me: (sobbing into the abyss)
Them: What’s wrong?
Me: (sobbing into the abyss)
Them: What’s wrong? You can tell me…
Me: It’s Thursday….. (more sobbing into the abyss)
Sometimes it’s too much effort to have to explain myself, and much easier to just hide myself away for a while. However, what if we surround ourselves with friendships who accept us and whatever feelings happen to be passing through? If we are the two other friends in this situation, can we hold space for our friends’ feelings, knowing that they are temporary obnoxious visitors? Knowing that the emotions will leave sooner if we let them do their thing and if they don’t feel rushed or unwelcome.
The third card I drew was the Two of Swords. Though the author talked up the positive thinking in the last two cards I drew, in this one the author acknowledges that sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where you don’t know where to turn. It’s if you’re blindfolded, like the crow, and fear a misstep. The crow is balancing on sharp blades, one misstep and it’s going to hurt. This made me think of how it can sometimes feel similar when I’m dancing with my darkness and there isn’t a clear path out. The Crow Tarot author suggests to look at where the fear is coming from, gain information, and from there find the steps to lead you out.
I often think of the Two of Swords as the choose your own adventure card. It’s a card of choices that have not been settled upon yet. In this reading, I’d say it’s a good reminder to come up with a mental health first aid kit, which would contain a plan of action for days that a dark mood decides to visit. We can call it a “Depression- choose your own adventure guide”. That way, when you’re in the dark brain space, you already have a map ready to help navigate your way through. Don’t know what to put into your “Depression – Choose your own Adventure Guide”? Well since this is something I just came up with on the fly, I’m going to have to improvise and think about things I’d want to put in mine….
Maybe it contains reminders to which friends said you could reach out to them when you’re in a mood. If they’re cool friends, maybe you can even have a code-word, so that you don’t even have to explain yourself:
You (messaging friend): The eyes are leaking crazy
Friend: I’ll be right over. Do you want reg coffee or a decaf?
Maybe it’s a playlist that will help you connect with your emotions and let them flow. Maybe if nothing else, the words from the songs remind you that others have felt similar to you, thus making you feel less alone.
Maybe it’s a mantra to repeat, like the Serenity Prayer: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Maybe it’s a reminder that the feelings are passing. Maybe it’s a list of questions to ask the emotions, so that you can better understand them. Maybe you can have a loved one write you a note that reminds you of their love. That way you can pull that out and read it to yourself as a reminder that you are loved.
Below the first three Crow Tarot cards that I drew are The Maiden and the Mirror cards from the Archetype deck.
The Maiden Archetype is part of the Maiden/Mother/Crone trio. She’s at the beginning of life, full of curiosity and wonder. She is often represented by the Princess from fairy tales, the one who is waiting to be rescued. But we all know that the really good story lines have the princess realizing she has the ability to rescue her own damn self. By the time the maiden becomes the crone, no doubt she’ll have learned that there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help or having a support system. However, we are the only ones who can birth our own emotions. While someone can hold our hand, we still have to look within and learn to breathe through the pain. Anyone who has been in a dance with darkness knows that mental pain can feel as intense as physical pain. Because of this, I highly recommend finding a good therapist who can help you learn techniques for sitting with and releasing the pain in a healthy way.
The next, the Mirror Card Archetype, is definitely a great card to pull on the topic of depression. The Mirror card reminds us that the reflection is an illusion and isn’t necessarily reality. When a person is in a depressed state, reality can be skewed. What life reflects back at us can be an illusion, based on our perception. I read this article once that claimed some mirrors in fitting rooms are altered so that a person is seeing a slightly thinner version of themselves…. Which explains a lot for some of the purchases I’ve made that seemed to look a lot different at home. Whether or not that is true, the fact remains that a mirror can distort what is reflected back. The same with seeing life through the lens of depression. I would like to use this card as a gentle reminder that when in a dark frame of mind, a lot of darkness is reflected back at us. Maybe that is another reminder that can be tucked away in the “Depression- Choose your own Adventure Guide!”
Because I had so much to say about the main cards, I’m just going to briefly go over the surrounding cards. These are the cards I used as supporting cards to corroborate the main message contained in the center cards.
The Crow Tarot Page of Wands sits to the top left of the spread. The page brings messages. It’s as if the crow is yelling to the other cards to buckle up and get ready to hear some messages and new ideas. The card below, the Prince of Wands (Thoth deck), is also a card of expression and creativity. This makes me think of the playlists I tend to listen to when I’m feeling in a dark space. They are often lyrics that reflect what I’m feeling. Whoever authored these songs had the ability to transmute their darkness in a creative way. And because of that, even though I’m listening to a playlist by myself, I don’t feel so alone. To the right of the spread is the Ace of Wands. Since we seem to have a lot of wand representation in this spread, it’s a good time to mention that wands represent a spiritual level of consciousness and what is most important to your core being. The Ace of Wands in the Thoth deck is a reminder to be true to who you are. Often when a person is depressed, they feel they need to hide that part of themselves from others….and put on a happy face. I know how draining this can be. I would like to say that at 53 I’ve found a way to the belief that all feelings are welcome….And part of me has. I definitely encourage my two youngest kids to feel their feelings and to express them in healthy ways. But, the truth is I still find myself hiding that part of myself away, especially when it’s not convenient. The Queen of Wands, the card next to the Ace of Wands, is such a great card to follow up the Ace of Wands. The Queen of Wands in the Thoth deck is all about knowing thyself…. The story behind this card is that she used to have black hair and sit with a panther…. But as she came to know herself, she changed and so did the black panther. In order to remind herself of the dark places she’d been, she pinches the changing panther and instead of changing further, it has the dark spots reminding her of the dark places she’s been.
On the bottom right there are only two cards left. Both are from the Thoth deck, the Priestess and the Lovers cards. I really like these two cards finishing out the reading. One card speaks to opposites coming together and the other card speaks of the combining of two, as in relationships. The Priestess card depicts a figure who has a top half that is curved and soft, yet a bottom half that is straight and rigid. One of the messages this card contains is “not to sacrifice our strength for our softness or our softness for our strength.” Basically, just honoring all of our parts. Then, the Lovers card shows the alchemy of combining two. Everything on the card is paired up, two children, two older figures…. For this reading, I see it as a self-acceptance of ourselves, knowing that we can contain both. In any successful relationship, you’re combining two in order to make the relationship work. The same can be done within ourselves- We can contain both, a happy self and a depressed self. And it’s through alchemy of both that we can become whole.
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