Coffee & Tarot #14: My Card of the Year – “Defeat”

For the past several years I’ve drawn a tarot card at the beginning of the year. I like to use it sort of as my theme for the year, something to think about or work on throughout the upcoming year. Last year I drew the “Failure” card from my Thoth Tarot deck and though I truly don’t believe there are any “bad” cards in tarot, there are cards that are more fun. As I shuffled my Thoth Tarot deck for this year’s card, I felt myself rah-rahing for a fun card. And then, a card flew out of the deck: Defeat. 

*Sigh* 

The irony is, the message is very similar to the Failure card. So instead of getting a fun card, I sort of got the same theme as last year. As I read from The Tarot Handbook (Angeles Arrien), it was feeling very deja vu. Fear of failure and fear of defeat…. Twinsies! 

Both cards are related to fear and I suppose fear is one of those life lessons that needs more than one go-around. Fear is such a noose, a leash, a weight, and all sorts of other words that relate to holding a person back from expansion. In The Tarot Handbook, the author specifically identifies this fear of defeat being related to fear of either a new relationship not working out or something that is emotionally important not working out. I know this fear. I know what it’s like to want something so bad that I’m afraid of wanting it, because I’m afraid of the hurt that happens when it doesn’t come to fruition. I can’t tell you how many times I was in my therapist’s office saying that I COULDN’T do something because….. And then I’d list the myriad of obstacles and reasons (fears) of why I thought it wouldn’t happen to me. HOWever, I’d keep moving forward anyway…. Whining the whole way. It’s my process. It’s scary to want something so badly and at the same time fearing that it won’t happen for you. 

The card depicts five swords that are bent and in the background there are a lot of twisted lines…. All of this is like how fear distorts perception. Fear is like the opposite of rose colored glasses. I guess the opposite of cheery rose colored glasses would be extremely dark glasses? Or maybe, fear is more like those spy glasses that show you what is behind you and instead of looking in front of you, you’re focused on what’s behind you, in your past. 

Something I didn’t notice about this card before is that there is white light in a star shape that is trying to break through. OR, if I did notice it before, I’d forgotten it was there. ANYway, it’s like the aurora of who we really are, and the fear is standing in the way. It’s up to us to put down the swords and release that fear of defeat.  In other words, let go of the fear of not getting what it is that we truly desire. 

Heading into 2024, while I meander through the seasons, I will ponder this card as I put myself into situations that typically cause fear of defeat to arise. Dating (AWK!), business ventures (EEEK!!!), and taking 100% responsibility for my own happiness (GAH!!!!). These all cause that fear of defeat to bubble up inside of me. With my card of the year, I’ll pay attention to when this fear is bubbling up and I’ll ask myself if fear of defeat is holding me back in any way. And if the answer is yes, then I’ll remind myself that if fear were a poison, trust would be the antidote. Trust….. That’s a doozy of a concept. Trust has to be consciously done, it’s a choice. Sometimes it’s an easy choice, like trusting that the sun will come up tomorrow. And even if you live in the Pacific Northwest, like I do, and it’s rainy and gray…. The sun is still there, even though it’s behind 6 miles worth of clouds (*not a scientific measurement). Other times, like if you’ve been buuuuuurrrrrrrned in love, trust is a lot harder. 

On days where I’m feeling low on trust, I fall back on reciting the Serenity Prayer:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 

Though the Serenity Prayer doesn’t specifically mention trust, it’s a way of releasing attachment to a situation. Releasing attachment is, in a way, accepting that you’ll be okay no matter what the outcome is. 

It’s two hours until the New Year. 2024….. I have a feeling it’s going to be a great rotation around the sun. Happy New Year!! 

P.S…. Yes, that is once again tea in my coffee cup.