Today is the start of a new year and it’s with that in mind, I find it very significant that last night I heard an owl somewhere outside my window. In the last year, I have only heard an owl in this home twice at night. The first time I heard one was a few months ago, on my very first night sleeping here, in my newly purchased home. The second time was last night, the beginning of 2021.
Even though I was ready (as I’m sure so many others were) to be done with 2020, I had no intention of staying up to see the New Year come in. When I finally made my way to bed, it was around 8:30. I actually turned out the lights a little after 9pm, but sleep never came. I tossed and turned despite the fact that I had taken melatonin a few different times. It was after I finally went to sleep, sometime after 2:30 am, that I was awakened by the owls. I’m thinking I must have heard the owls sometime after 3:30, which is why, even though I told myself to open the Audubon app on my phone and record the noise so I could know for sure which owl it was, my body didn’t obey and I fell back to sleep.
After hearing the owl, my mind was yelling out “it’s a horned owl!” Also, I was hearing in my brain that it’s the mating call, like it was calling for its lost mate. As I was trying to listen to the owl I fell back to sleep and It made its way into my dream. I was in a car and out the car window I spotted a small owl in a tree. I thought to myself that I wish we were going slower so I could really look at and appreciate it, but we were going fast and it was only a glimpse. Enough of a glimpse that I could see it was a small owl. In my dream I said a silent thank you prayer to God for allowing me to finally see an owl in the wild.
This morning I woke up still thinking about the owl sounds and remembering the dream. My brain kept saying it was a Great Horned Owl. I have a Great Horned Owl tattoo on my arm, so it’s not a stretch to think that’s why my brain was telling me it was what I was hearing. Obvious favoritism going on there. Still, I laid in bed and using my phone I searched for the Great Horned Owl. After listening to it sing, I knew that the sound wasn’t what I had heard last night. Instead, I’m pretty certain that I heard the Western Screech Owl, which interestingly enough is sometimes confused for a baby Great Horned Owl, because of its similar appearance, yet small size.
See, aren’t they all very similar Looking?
When I looked up symbolism, I found that certain Indian cultures believe the owl (and hearing an owl outside your window) means death. Since I’ve studied Tarot as a hobby I know that “Death” doesn’t automatically translate into a bad thing. It took me a while to not fear the Death card whenever it would turn up in a reading and to instead appreciate that it can mean a transformation. Though transformations can be painful or difficult, they can also be the threshold leading to something wonderful. A snake must shed its old skin and leave that which is dead behind in order to grow. A butterfly becomes a butterfly after giving up its old identity. Transformation always requires a certain amount of death and Death is certainly a transition from one state to another.
When I spent my first night in this home, I left another part of me behind. The part that was always moving and not setting down roots. That first night was the beginning of a transformation for me: My first time being a single person and a homeowner of this small brand new mobile home. It was scary to transform from a noncommittal person who seemed to always be moving homes, to signing a mortgage, putting down roots and committing to live here in this one place for a longer period of time. In a very big way, I suddenly felt that I was committing to not putting my life on hold anymore. For many years I’ve felt like I was in transition. I was waiting for certain life situations to fall into place before I started living. If only such and such happens, then I’ll be happy, then I’ll be living my life. Marriage, job, hobby, friendships, purpose…. It felt like my life was filled with question marks, with no answers to follow. I feel like I spent a lot of time waiting for those question marks to be answered, yet looking outside of myself for those answers.
Buying this home felt like I finally looked inside myself for an answer. It felt like a transition from waiting for some distant life to fall into place, to an acceptance of where I am at right now in life. It felt like saying, “Okay, if this is what I have to work with, let me make it work…” Even if this very small mobile home is not the vision I’d been holding out for…. You know, the cliché white picket fence with a ring on my left hand, happy kids, a co-parent and co-pilot, two dogs and a cat. Even if it isn’t that vision, it works perfectly for my current situation, my “Now”.
This morning, while reading about owls, I ran across the Owl of Athena…. A representation of knowledge and wisdom.
“In Greek mythology, a little owl (Athene noctua) traditionally represents or accompanies Athena, the virgin goddess of wisdom, or Minerva, her syncretic incarnation in Roman mythology.[2] Because of such association, the bird – often referred to as the “owl of Athena” or the “owl of Minerva” – has been used as a symbol of knowledge, wisdom, perspicacity and erudition throughout the Western world.” – Wikipedia
When I read that Wikipedia entry, I laughed at the fact it was another small owl. Feeling like there was a pattern, I wondered what this little owl of Athena’s could be drawing my attention to? When I think of knowledge and wisdom, I think about the Serenity Prayer, where one asks:
“To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference. “
If this is the message, then it fits perfectly with my purchasing this home and finding acceptance and roots in my “right now” life.
Perhaps this will be something for me to ponder in 2021, how I can embrace my life as is. This body, this mental health, this income, this relationship status, this messy life…. Embrace all of it and find courage to accept that some of it will never live up to the fantasy of what I’ve been “waiting for”. I’m fifty freaking years old, if I’m not going to start living now, then when?
Sandy's Short Story Long- This is where I write. 
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