Colds are supposed to last three days,right? Here I am several days past three days and I’m getting annoyed. I want to talk with a manager, since my cold is defective. I think it’s on its way out though, so maybe I’ll just let it slide this time. Because I work from home and there would be nobody catching my cold, I didn’t call in sick. I like to save all my sick time for being a mom-taxi or for any school events that happen during working hours. I’ve always hated using sick time for, well… sick time. Fortunately, I rarely get sick. Nah, my body prefers to save up for some major event, like in my 20’s when I had a year’s worth of gallbladder attacks being misdiagnosed, over and over again. Or that time I had a giant cell tumor growing on my knee, making my knee randomly give out when I walked. I’ve been fortunate in my past, having had good insurance so the out of pocket for those two surgeries wasn’t too scary. Nowadays, that wouldn’t be the case. Sometimes it scares me, thinking how ill-prepared I am for any sort of medical emergency. I’m sure a lot of people live this way, knowing that we are only ever one medical diagnosis away from financial disaster. Which is why last year’s doctor’s visit startled me so much.
I sat in the waiting room, waiting for my appointment. My name was called and I was greeted by two doctors. The doctor I was there to see asked if I would mind if the other doctor observed the procedure, something to do with it being a teaching hospital. This wasn’t the first time I’ve had a doctor ask me that. I once had a room full of young (and super attractive) doctors observing my knee appointment. (This wasn’t because of the tumor, it was because I’d slipped on ice and bruised my kneecap. OOooph!!) I felt like I was on an episode of Gray’s Anatomy, especially when the doctor delivered the best line ever. While looking at the xray results, he said: “You have the knees of a much younger woman”. HA! ANYway, usually when asked if other doctors can observe, my response is, “Sure, why not, the more the merrier!” This time though, since I was having a gynecological procedure, I just said, “Yes.”
The previous year I’d had the same procedure done, so I knew what to expect. Or, so I thought.I remember the doctors left the room to let me undress and put on the gown. After I was done putting on the gown, I was sitting on the table and listening to the spa music that was playing on an open laptop. I couldn’t ever remember having music play for any gynecological appointment before. I started to make myself laugh thinking that it would have been funny if it was smooth jazz or funk playing, instead of spa music. Bow-chicca-wow-wow….
When I’d had the procedure done the previous year, it was uneventful. Maybe the spa music should have alerted me that things were gonna be different this time around. When the doctors came back into the room, the doctor performing the procedure was talking a lot with the other doctor. Very similar to getting a pedicure and how the girls always talk with each other while painting toe nails, except these were doctors examining my lady bits and discussing cancer.
The main doctor seemed to have issues with finding the correct size speculum. With each attempt at a different size and the way she was talking while trying to insert it, made me very concerned about my aging femininity. Finally, the fourth one was a fit and she started the colposcopy. The main doctor was explaining to the student doctor something about “if there is cancer, it bleeds a lot…” And then, she spent a little time pointing out “reactive tissue” and taking a couple of samples. After the two samples, I could hear frustration in her voice, as she was complaining that age can result in conditions that make it impossible to reach back as far as they would need to get in order to get the last sample. Finally, after a bit of probing, she informed me that she was going to have to list the procedure as inconclusive. She was unable to reach where she needed to reach for that last sample. She told me that I was going to have to have a LEEP procedure, instead. She said she wouldn’t refer me to a gynecologist until after the biopsy results came back for the two samples she was able to get. This was because if the results indicated more serious blah blah blah, I’d have to have a more invasive type of LEEP. At this point I sort of just checked out mentally and was only tuning in here and there. I was mostly distracting myself by coming up with a much better stirrup design, because stirrups are long overdue for an upgrade. Because of this, I only remember hearing snippets of things she said…. Cancer…. Hysterectomy….LEEP is done under general anestsia… and that she doesn’t think it’s progressed beyond a level C. Mostly though, all I was hearing was cha-ching cha-ching cha-ching. And pondering over whether or not my ideas for a newly improved stirrup might help me finance my future medical expenses.
After I got dressed, a nurse walked me down the stairs, to where the exit was. Since I’d never been escorted out of the building before, it only added to the strangeness of that day.
Fast forward to my finally getting a phone call to make an appointment for my next procedure. The receptionist informs me that since a LEEP is very invasive and my results were inconclusive, they’d like to have me go in to have a repeat colposcopy.
Ummm…. Huh?!?
I make an appointment for the soonest I could get in, which places me at a different hospital, with a different doctor. I was escorted into the room by a nurse and was sitting waiting for the doctor to come in. This time, there was no music. However, as I was looking around the room I spotted the most amazing pen. It was the kind of pen that has water in it and pieces float around when you turn it upside down. I can’t tell you how ticked I was when I went to get a closer look and I realized what was floating in it….. An EGG being chased by SPERM! HA!!! I wanted to burgle that pen so badly, but I didn’t. I just put it back down on the counter.
By the time the doctor arrived, I had mentally prepared myself for speculum gymnastics and aging lady bit antics. But no. This time the procedure was uneventful. The doctor had no issues at all and said everything looked healthy and she didn’t even think it necessary to take any samples.
Ummm…. Huh?!?
I told her that the previous doctor seemed very concerned and adamant that samples needed to be taken from the farthest location and blah blah blah. This new doctor said that since she was down there, she could easily grab a couple, which she did. Easy peasy.
While she was finishing up, I asked her about her pen. She told me that she got it at a medical convention, where they were giving them away. She took a couple, thinking her daughter would think it was funny… but her daughter did not. I said I thought it was hilarious and brilliant. As she was leaving, she picked up the pen and gave it to me. She said I could keep it. I was so thrilled, it almost made up for the fact that I had to have that procedure done again.
Fast forward to the test results… My lady bits are fine. I am fine. My finances would not be taking a hit. Or so I thought. When I received my bill, I was shocked to find out that while the first procedure was covered by my insurance, the second procedure was not and I was going to have to pay $1000 out of pocket. Though I tried to argue that I shouldn’t have to pay, because had the first doctor been able to do her job, I wouldn’t have had to undergo that procedure twice. Apparently that doesn’t matter and the best they could do was offer me a no interest 6 month payment plan.
But hey…. At least I got this amazing pen:
Leave a comment